The opening bite
The crunch is there, technically. It’s the wrong kind. Not the satisfying snap of something that earned its texture, but the tooth breaking hardness of a jawbreaker, with none of the reward. The first flavor hit is pea protein and stevia. No cinnamon registers. We checked a second time. Still no cinnamon. The name is on the box. The cinnamon is not in the bowl.
The milk situation
Bowl longevity: 10.0. We are not happy about this. The pieces survive milk indefinitely, which would matter if what they were preserving was worth eating. ~15 minutes in: still structurally intact, still tasting of nothing we’d call cinnamon. The milk doesn’t transform here — it degrades. The stevia aftertaste leaches out over time and makes the whole situation worse. No cinnamon soup. No diner beverage. Just a thin, sweetened liquid with a chemical finish that compounds until the bowl is empty.
Where it loses points
The flavor payload is 1.0. The artificial maple flavoring arrives as something between a scratch-and-sniff sticker and a protein shake gone wrong — and then it lingers. The cinnamon is absent. Not muted, not subtle. Absent. The crunch earns a 2.0 because it has the texture of cereal left open on a counter for a week, except it was like that when we opened the bag. Dry snackability is 3.0: there is no version of this you’d reach for voluntarily when literally anything else is available.
The Good
- Structurally Indestructible (Makes the sadness last longer)
- Macros are solid for low-carb and keto goals
The Criminal
- Zero cinnamon presence despite the name
- Pea protein and stevia combo is unmasked, aggressive, and lingers
- Crunch is hard and stale-textured, not satisfying
- Milk gets worse over time, not better
Milk Takes
The verdict
2.2 is not a score you eat through. This is supposed to be a treat that earns its macros. Instead it’s a chore you finish out of guilt. FIND YOUR MACROS ELSEWHERE.
The verdict
skip it
Crunch level
2.0
Flavor payload
1.0
Milk transformation
2.0
Bowl longevity
10.0
Dust situation
1.0
Dry Snackability
2.5
Box art
5.0
Jordan Naeem
if you ate that
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